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Episode 1

Transcript

Intro

Radio Announcer Up next it's Area 53 and Marvin Trill, broadcasting live from his trailer in the desert.
An instrumental news-bulletin style opener plays.
Marvin Trill New Planet found in space. Is it really a planet, or a decoy put up to confuse us? Ghosts, time travel and the flushing toilet. Which way did Newton’s toilet spiral? And finally, are women made from sand? We explore deeper and get to the truth. I’m Marvin Trill, this is Area 53.


Russians in Space

Marvin Trill Hello, you’re on the line.
Trucker Yeah, hi. I’m a truck driver and listen to your show all the time. I see a lot of unexplained phenomena out there, especially in rest rooms. I agree with you about the moon. We never landed on the moon. It’s such a good fake.
Marvin Trill Remember, the Russians, our arch-enemy still, I might add, them and the Australians and, uh, some species of dog. They beat us into space.
Trucker The only thing the Russians are shooting into space are Hotdogs and Monkeys, kind of a Noah’s Ark, Fast Food kinda vibe. Hey, my dead aunt could make a better space Station than them.
Marvin Trill Ahhhhh, intriguing, I’d like to meet her.


Fluoride in the Water

Marvin Trill On the conspiracy line caller. You’re in Area 53.
Caller Do not use fluoride, its evil. It made me kill my doctor.
Marvin Trill Why would we worry about a chemical that the government puts into the water? Animals can now be trained to fly, including several species of bird. Think about the military applications.


Hackers bombing through phone-lines

Marvin Trill Hello Caller.
Manuel Hi, my name’s Manuel. I’m really worried about hackers sending a Nuclear bomb after me, you know, through the phones. Do you think they could pin-point my location?
Marvin Trill Look, It’s good for the economy to live in constant fear. I mean, the phone company, they have your name on the bill, they know your number! How do you feel about that?
Manuel I knew it.


Cowboy Ghost Haunting

Marvin Trill Hello, Julie from Liberty City. You’re on the line.
Julie A cowboy ghost has been haunting my house!
Marvin Trill I want you to take off your blouse, stand at the window, stand there, for hours, each night. Lure him in. Trapping rogue spirits is dangerous work, especially topless, take lots of photographs.


The Truth 1 - The Bigger Picture

Marvin Trill Alright, who’s got a theory for me? Next!
The Truth Hey man, love the show, but when are you guys gonna start seeing the bigger picture? We’re being lied to man and guys like you don’t help much, you know, you’re virtually one of them. Soon you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Marvin Trill If people could please just attempt to make sense, that’s all I’m asking. Last night, as I was laying in my pod meditating, and it occurred to me, why are you even listening to me?! Turn off all electrical devices including your radio.


Noises

Marvin Trill Hector in San Garcia, why are you still listening?
Hector Because I was hoping you could explain these noises.
Marvin Trill What noises??
Hector God, not you too.


Outro

Marvin Trill Now think about the things we talked about today. Think, seriously think. Can it be real? Can it be false? We’ll see you next time in Area 53. Be careful out there, wherever you are.
Radio Announcer That was Area 53, we're sorry.

Episode 2

Transcript

Intro

Radio Announcer Area 53 is next. Don't say we didn't warn you.
An instrumental news-bulletin style opener plays.
Marvin Trill Did the government recruit school children to beat you up in school? Are goldfish really communist spies? I’m Marvin Trill, this is Area 53. I’m broadcasting live from my mobile home in the desert, I’m telling you, it’s hot like alien balls in here.


Domestibot Rituals

Marvin Trill Going to the conspiracy lines.
Adam First Hi, My Name’s Adam First. I’ve been doing some much needed surveillance in the desert while hang gliding. I’ve noticed a peculiar trailer compound where a man is running around in his spacesuit conducting weird rituals with Domestibots.
Marvin Trill What?! Well…he…probably wants you to leave him alone. Get a real hobby, like pretending to be someone on TV.


The Truth 2 - The Desert

Marvin Trill Next Caller
The Truth It’s me again.
Marvin Trill You?
The Truth Yeah come on man. Tell the people ‘bout the desert. How come there’s something missing huh? A map with things missing ain’t a real map and that’s what they feed us, well, that, and female hormones in our water supply.
Marvin Trill Hehhhueeh, I hear you on that one.
The Truth I’ll call back when I got proof, and you better not be tracing this call.
Marvin Trill I don’t trace calls. Everything in life should be anonymous. I tell my various partners that all the time.


Blueberry Acres Epsilonist

Marvin Trill Rick from Blueberry Acres, what do you think?
Rick Kifflom
Marvin Trill I couldn’t have said it better myself. Krant!
Rick Truth is wisdom brother, and brother, wisdom works. That’s why we made it up.
Marvin Trill Euhhh, you and I have a lot in common.


Crop Circles

Marvin Trill Vivian is calling in from Carcer City and wants to talk about crop circles.
Vivian Oh wow, I never thought I’d actually make it on the show!
Marvin Trill Is that because you have a girls name? Well here’s a conspiracy. Your mom hates you.
Vivian Holy shit how’d you know that!


Religious Pamphlets

Marvin Trill Next caller
Emile My name is Emile. I go to a lot of demonstrations to pick up religious pamphlets. None of them say anything about the aliens.
Marvin Trill Try reading between the lines, and if that doesn’t work, do some. Then you’ll understand all about the aliens and just where you were planted.


The Rape Dentist

Marvin Trill Mike on Line 10
Mike Man, I think my dentist is attracted to me. She knocks me unconscious and has her way with me.
Marvin Trill Euhh, It’s unlikely but it could be true.
Mike My teeth feel great but I feel, icky, all dirty and used like a sex object.
Marvin Trill Euhh, I’ll tell you what makes me feel icky, the fact I haven’t washed in 2 months. Whatever you do, trust nobody.


Domestibot Phone-In

Marvin Trill Next Caller
Domestibot I am a Domestibot. My name is 632369439.
Marvin Trill Euhh, that’s not a very original name, I didn’t know robots listened to this show.
Domestibot We know what you are doing to my Domestibot brothers and sisters.
Marvin Trill Ehhh, enough of that little guy, heh, sounds like he’s been programmed for evil.


Outro

Marvin Trill Alright let’s get to the real meat and potatoes. News men lying to our face about weather balloons. Historians ignoring my proof that WW2 didn’t happen. The FDA infiltrated by the very device they’re supposed to regulate; the plug. Mind control devices. But we’ll have to leave that for now, you’re leaving Area 53, you’ve been abducted. Until next time, stay alert, they’re after you.
Radio Announcer You're leaving Area 53, check your rectum.

Episode 3

Transcript

Intro

Radio Announcer Enjoy listening to mental patients? Area 53 is next.
An instrumental news-bulletin style opener plays.
Marvin Trill Is your child really an alien? Has the future already happened somewhere else? And finally, is cheese the latest weapon in the battle against communism? We explore deeper, much deeper. I’m Marvin Trill, this is Area 53, prepare to be appalled.


Chemicals in our Bodies

Marvin Trill Hello?
Caller Ah, yes, hello. I would like to talk about a conspiracy.
Marvin Trill Okay
Caller It starts with food and our toxic culture, these, chemicals in our bodies. You must flush them out Marvin. First, start by masticating.
Marvin Trill Did you say Masturbating?
Caller Listen again Marvin am I lisping here? Mas-tic-cat-ting. Vigorously. To really cleanse, you’re gonna have to do some yoga. The cleansing properties of doing yoga with a garden hose up your ass cannot be exaggerated. Marvin, it’s time for your down dog to really have a tail.
Marvin Trill I was wondering when my career would hit bottom and now it’s here right before my eyes.


The EXorbeo Conspiracy

Marvin Trill Stewart is on the line.
Stewart I think everyone out there will agree that the Russians are in charge now. Foreigners are behind that EXsorbeo handheld gaming device to decrease our productivity and make our thumbs useless so our kids can’t fire machine guns.
Marvin Trill I hear what you’re saying about video games. People are dying every day of Malaria and it’s all because of the messages planted in our minds from that Degenertron in the 80s.


The Truth 3 - Aliens

Marvin Trill Line 18. Hello.
The Truth Okay man, I warned you. I’ve been over to the other side.
Marvin Trill What are you talking about buddy?
The Truth I’ve been inside, inside everything, seen everything. Remember the first time you did mushrooms? There are aliens living in the state. Aliens. And I’ve held them in my own hands. Everybody, go to the desert, beg their forgiveness.
Marvin Trill How do you know all this?
The Truth I worked at the camp. Believe what you wanna believe, but ask yourself why should I make this up?
Marvin Trill The only thing I want to ask myself is how I can keep you off future shows, euhhh god.


Nuclear Missile Super Powers

Marvin Trill Kevin, hello, you’re on the air.
Kevin All the missiles are under my control, not the government’s control. Why do you think they put me in solitary confinement for 8 months, because I can launch nuclear missiles by just whistling into a phone!
Marvin Trill Really? Great. Could you wipe out all the other radio stations in town for me?
Kevin Hey, I don’t do that anymore, I only use my powers for good.
Marvin Trill Ahh look, this isn’t a cartoon or TV show, let’s get real for a second. The problem with people like you who have super powers is that you really don’t use them for good! If I had super powers everyone would be naked and women signing autographs at conventions couldn’t resist me.


Montag the Strangler

Marvin Trill Alright, going to the conspiracy line.
Montag Yeah, this is Montag.
Marvin Trill Okay
Montag My name’s Montag.
Marvin Trill Yes, yes I got that.
Montag Hey, have you ever leveled a house with a helicopter?
Marvin Trill Ehh, no but…
Montag That’ll be really cool, I thought you were a DJ. You should talk more about killing people with helicopters. I prefer electric cable, tightly wound around people’s throats, watching ‘em go blue in the face.
Marvin Trill Ehh, we have a lot of aerospace fans and plenty of murderers who like the show.


Outro

Marvin Trill Inside, I feel like it’s time to close the pod bay door and take a rest. Until next time, reset your memory chip and don’t believe what they tell you. This is Marvin Trill, you’re leaving Area 53, Kifflom! Be careful.
Radio Announcer That was Area 53, where reality is an Alien concept.

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